Whats worst

Ive been floating from time to time. Its been so long and so much has happened i dunno where to begin this.

I keep losing things. Never remembering why i left or why they left and not knowing where to look or how to look. Im floating and its an unnerving feeling. I have neither a place to rest nor peace of mind. I have no permanent shelter over my head and it scares me sometimes. Other times it feels liberating but "other times" are not often.

We end years of misunderstanding, shaky pasts and hidden secrets in deafening silence. Both neither speaking nor listening anymore. I cant tell who finally won but that doesnt matter. She would always have the upper hand over me. So maybe shes been victorious all along. I have no one now just as i had no one in the beginning. Im solitary and thats fine.

I know you love me and care alot about me. I also know that you keep things from me and im not very relevant when it comes to details of your life. I vaguely know who you were and who you are. I feel like an idiot, a stranger looking in. Its ironic that we stand naked before each other and i dont even know you write songs. It hurts but im letting it past. You take good care of me and i should be thankful for that and just accept that im just a partner and nothing more.

I cant seem to trust people. Its like swallowing spoonfuls of mud, it just wont go down. Dont say i didnt try hard enough cause i took a huge gulp and regurgitate my insides. Your weird mood swings, quite moments and permanent fatique makes my head spin. Like i said, i dont know you and you wont dance with me. Marriage is more than a stones throw away. Even the idea sounds silly now. But regardless of every hurt, pain or teardrop i still love you and what is worst, i really do.