Bloody Sunday

Fool me twice

2009-01-29T03:36:00.000-08:00

Its been eons since ive been here. There isnt much to write about when ur happy and whole.

I knew at the back of my head that this would happen to me sooner or later becoz when u cherish something so damn much, God will definitely test you. He wants to see how strong you are in the face of death. In my case, death of a special friendship.

I didnt want it to happen, but it did. I felt betrayed and cheated. The friendship and trust we build for so long suddenly cracked. It was too overwhelming for me. Loosing a best friend is like walking down a flight of stairs and at the last step you think theres one more step but there isnt and u crumble to the floor in a heap of dust and bruises. There is a moment of blinding shock followed by pain and bewilderment. You will take awhile to pick urself up and brush off the dust. Walking down a flight of stairs might never be the same again but u'll learn to get use to it. Time heals all wound.

Telling my grandma made things more complicated and tension soon rised to the point where i juz wanna curl up and die. However after talking (and crying) to her for 30mins, she made things clearer for us. She laid everything on the table. She approach the problem in a calm and collected manner which made the discussion easier. At the end of our "therapy session" we manage to agree on a solution. Im still hurt and angry but now theres Hope.

Hope comes in various shapes and sizes. It comes to everyone and anyone who believes in Faith.Having Faith around somehow lessens the pain and makes you look forward to meeting Hope.

NERO

2008-10-10T04:55:00.000-07:00

Who is Nero and why did he/she/it invade the body of Anneliese Michel along with other dead infamous beings (namely Hitler, Legion, Judas, etc)? The possession that lead to the tragic death of a devout German Catholic lady. Voice recordings of the exorcism proved deep voices declaring themselves Hitler, Judas, Legion, Lucifer, Nero, etc (cant remember the rest)

A possibility is Nero of Rome, the emperor who murdered his mother for fear of losing his throne. When Rome burned, Nero escaped being suspected by blaming it on Christians. Eventually Christians admitted to the burning of Rome, probably after being tortured into admitting it.

Nero put to death many Christians by burning them on crucifixs to illuminate the city and he is responsible for the deaths of Paul & Peter, based on accounts from a Christian writing from the 2nd Century: "the slayer of his mother, who himself this king, will persecute the plant which the Twelve Apostles of the Beloved have planted. Of the Twelve one will be delivered into his hands". Peter was crucified upside-down (the first use of the Antichrist symbol, probably the birth of the Antichrist symbol itself) while Paul was said to have been beheaded in Rome during the reign of Nero. But most writers agreed that only Peter was put to death by Nero.

Nero is further condemned by being labelled as the Antichrist that will come forth and bring the day of destruction with him. The name Nero, when treated as Hebrew numbers, add up to 666, the number of the beast.

The death of Nero was similar to that of Hitler. Suicide upon lost of power. Nero and four loyal servants travelled out in search of a place to hide, upon reaching a villa outside the city Nero ordered the servants to begin digging a grave for him. He drove a dagger through his throat when the sounds of horsemen grew closer. His last words to the horsemen sent to kill him was " Too late! This is fidelity!". Nero died on 9th June 68.

However some believe he never did perished. His grave outside the city which was dug by servants was never properly found. His remains ceased to exist. Many scholars believe he still lives beyond human logic, waiting to come forth as the Antichrist on the day of destruction.

Its quite impossible to trace the real Nero that declares himself in the body of the late Anneliese Michel so i guess Nero of Rome comes the closest. Identifying him/her/it will never come to a proper/true answer. Irregardless of what anyone says, no one can surely tell who that voice belongs to. Another mystery is why. Why invade the body of a devout Christian? Rebellion purposes? Did they think that by invading the body of a pure being who put herself entirely in the faith of God, they are challenging God himself? I want to visit the resting place of Anneliese in Germany but i doubt i can anytime soon. I hope to feel the peace that surrounds her now. She woke the entire world to the Evil that exist and the Evil that we should look out for. She suffered to save the souls of many.

Before her death, Anneliese was approached by the Virgin. She was given two choices, either suffer the possession and let the world know of the existence of Demons and Evil OR be rid of the Demons possessing her and die peacefully. The brave Anneliese Michel chose to let the world know and somehow warn the human race of the existence of Evil. She bravely suffered awhile more and predicted the day she was to die. True to her words, she died peacefully in her sleep on the day predicted. Her last words were "mother..im afraid".

R.I.P Anneliese Michel
September 21, 1952 - July 1, 1976

Riding the waves and getting sick

2008-09-16T05:12:00.000-07:00

Woke up super early to send the little boy to Tekong. It was painfully cold in the bus at past 6am. I cast a spell on an asshole who refuse to come to terms with his fugly face and fuck-ier attitude. Matrips should be cramped in a cage and torched alive. Watch their (FAKE) blonde scalp sizzle and bubble makes quite a pleasant day for me. Im sick in the head, so bite me. He flinched a little when i blew my fairy dust at him, and dat was dat. Poor mite, shudnt have pissed me off.

The boat ride was superbly disgusting but the view was kinda nice. Lotsa white sandy reclaimed land. I held in my breakfast and refuse to de-gut myself. I imagined Tekong to be foresty with depressing green buildings smelling of urine and gun powder but boy was i duped. We were greeted by a chalet resort. Sunny coloured buildings, palm trees and other pretty sights surprised me. But i cud sense that these assuring sights didnt do much to deflat Ahtip's and all the other boys' nervous-ness. He was jumpy and babbling like a retard in the boat but its quite awesome for him to bump into his classmates and friends, I could almost hear the relieved sigh in him. Good on yer mate.

We separated from the Enlistees as we make our way around the island on a tour conducted by a dude in green. It was a hot day and I got bored. We saw a swimming pool, gym, games room, clean toilet(gasp!! no pontianak?!), more palm trees and other boring stuff. BUT when we got back to the Hall to witness the Oath taking ceremony, i was stunned. The chatty "boys" that we left merely 30mins ago were like freaking robots. They sat rigid with their fists clenched on their laps. Not even one turned to look at us as we walked past them. Ahtip was grinning a little, cant help himself, but he was a rigid R2D2 alright. I wasnt totally pleased with it but was impressed anyways. My aunt, ahtip's mum, mumbled sadly "To think, 18yrs and i cudnt get him to sit still when all the Army took was 30mins". Me and Zul(Ahtip's bestie came too, such a good fren) thought it was funny.

When it was time to bid them farewell, I had to hug him. Ive known him all his life and most of mine. Hes a brother regardless of what the hell anyone says. (FAST FACT:Ive got three crazy-ass brothers and a baby sister) I cant help but get teary-eyed when we went right and he went left. I wont see him for the next two weeks and its kinda weird. I hope his crazy-ass doesnt get him into any trouble and i pray that his unique personality doesnt get him misunderstood (which happens alot). My aunt is quite satisfied to know that Ahtip's got friends there and he wont be too homesick.

We made our way back to the boat and i cant help but turn around and came eye-to-eye with Childhood. She stared at me. In her I saw flashes of me and Ahtip cycling and running at top speed, I smelled the many zoo outings we spent when we could barely see over the high fences, i heared the peels of laughter we shared when we did sumting silly and I smiled at the memories of scolding we got (from both mothers) for always breaking sumting or learning a new bad word. At that precise moment, i let go. I released the soft hands of Childhood and watched her skip away. Bitter sweet but refreshing.

Work sucked like a bloody vacuum today! ArrrrrggGhhhhHH!

In God we believe

2008-09-12T02:23:00.000-07:00

I don't know you and I may never will. We merely brushed past each other and smiled about 2 yrs ago(if u were the same girl he was with back then). But when I read it in the papers today, I choked. The thought of what you're going through crushed me. I felt a searing pain in my throat and chest as I read about your new baby and the idea of you all alone, waiting painfully for his return . I started praying very very hard for you and your baby. For your husband as well. I bet Kimmy feels pain too, your husband is his friend after all. I hope you're strong and I hope God help you through this and bring relief to you and your family. My words may not get to you, but I'll keep you in my prayers.

My first thoughts went to Kimmy. I don't even want to imagine what I would do. The emptiness must feel like a blunt razor tearing up your heart. I shudder every time I think. I'm weak and I'm very dependent on Kimmy's tender loving care and his mere presence. I'll definitely break and die. If I don't, I'll make sure I do. To live with that pain and overcome it requires GREAT patience and faith. May God give you strength and I hope you overcome this. God bless.

Sincerely,
Feeza

Rock Steady

2008-05-19T02:10:00.000-07:00

You remember when people say the engagement period is a tough one and we both shud be prepared for worst battles? I do. I remembered smiling and politely brushing off the comment. Little did I know, they weren't bullshitting. Its one tough cookie to chew. We tied the noose barely two weeks ago and we're already experiencing the Japanese Occupation period. I'm as tensed as a boxer in a ring, one wrong movement and i pounce on you. But you know i don't mean it and u keep loving me still. Loving me more in fact(i hope).

You're becoming more responsible towards me(slowly but surely). Its a nice feeling but its different. Like tasting chocolate for the first time, thick and sickeningly sweet. I wish us better days and i'm sure as hell gonna start using the few magics i have left to conjure you happiness.

2008 hasnt been nice to me but the past mth has. I got engaged to a loving, funny, understanding, soft-spoken and never-ever-physically-hurt-me guy and as a bonus I bumped into Nadiah which led me to get into contact with Huda! What more could i ask for??????? We celebrated the reunion with a horror movie which leaves us hysterically laughing and screaming in between scenes and a sleepover at my place. After 2 yrs of loosing track of each other, not surprisingly our chemistry still remains strong. These two have been with me thru shitty and bloody times. I miss you guys so bloody much :-)

Thank you again Mr. God

2008-05-04T00:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a hot and sweaty day. Lotsa cameras lotsa action. I didnt attend the Grammys, i attended something less fake. When we first planned the event everyone voted for something simple and sweet. A few close relatives and a private gathering would be all it is. Nearing the day, everything changed. We had a buffet spread, 100 guests, 13 gifts from me, 11 from him, a makeup artist, etc. It was ridiculous balls!

Despite all the buzz and mayhem, i did enjoy myself. I thank everyone who came with an honest intention to add merriment to my event. Loads of thanks to Kimmy's family for being cool. Special thanks to those who have helped me and my family make this happen. Thank you all. Thank you Mr. God.

Congrats to us Kimmy dear. We've got 2 yrs to save up $8,000 each for the wedding. Gd luck brader! haha

PS: STEREOPHONICS CONCERT WAS AWESOOOOOOOOOOME!! (KT Turnstall is still my fav though) Too busy jumping around and screaming to take pics of them. Kimmy has some pics on his blog.

Grey clouds need clearing

2007-12-18T22:01:00.000-08:00

Its hard to depict in words the turmoil im struggling within. Because though im going thru difficult times, im also blessed with short bursts of happiness and bliss when im with you, your family and aunty rehana's family. I savour ever moment of these happy times, be it merely 5 seconds, for they somehow help me during the turmoil. Exactly like holding my hand tight and walking me thru the storm. I come out less hurt and more hopeful. The talk i had with your mum and dad yesterday evening was refreshing and comforting. They both understood the turmoil and they would love to hold my hand sometime and help me thru it, just like you did. They offered me comfort and most precious of all, hope. Hope for a better tomorrow.

Life is harder then ever for me now and im grateful for all the support and love from you, your family and aunty rehana's family. Thank you all and may God bless you for your goodness and charity.

PS: Thanks for the comforting hugs when i most need it Kimmy.

Inches taller

2007-10-28T22:29:00.000-07:00

We tend to fall prey to self-sympathy. Over loathing mistakes that we have made and exaggerating the consequences it has brought upon us. I'm a regular prey. I have given up denying my superb ability to repeatedly commit the same errors over and over again. Whats worst is that every time i fall flat on my nose, i cry harder then the last time.

The simple rationalization behind this not so rational act of mine is that i simply refuse to grow up. Anyone who knows me well (very few people) would understand that i have a somewhat abnormal upbringing. I didn't have your socially defined "normal" family tree. My grandparents raised me in my parents' absence. My grandpa was my everything. I can live without my five senses but not without him (until he died and left me broken and empty).

So anyway, my point is that i was never taught to grow up. I didn't have "normal" parents telling me to stand up when i fall or clean up the mess when I'm done destroying the furniture. Do not get me wrong, my grandparents taught me alot of wonderful stuff, stuff that contribute to all the good things that i have done so far but along the way they missed out on chapter 3: Growing Up and Cleaning Your Own Shit. Mistakes i made in the past were fixed by my grandparents, all i had to do was cry. You can say i was spoilt rotten. I grew up thinking crying would freeze everyone in their socks and jump in a panic stricken frenzy and solve my problems for me asap. It didn't work for me at all. When my grandpa died, my grandma sort of released me from her "protection". I secretly suspect she didn't really like me all along. I don't blame her cause i was my grandpa's centre of attention and i didn't include her in our little world of fun.

Now that im 20 and he's gone and never coming back, I'm left with my own shit to fix. I honestly don't need help cleaning up my mess but sometimes it's nice to have someone to sing with while cleaning up. Someone to sit somewhere close enough for me to sing with like in Barney and Friends where they sing along together and clean up after messing up the tree house. That someone doesn't have to lift a finger, just sit there and sing with me. It would make my shit clear up faster and easier. I'm not a social butterfly and i cant help but prefer to sit at home with a good book. Sadly for me, books cant sing. My parents can never understand me cause we stopped talking the same language the day i was born. Kimmy is sweet but i doubt he likes singing with me and I'm not going to go bother him anymore.

So here i am, still trimming the rough edges of my problems. If I'm fortunate I'll eventually find someone to sing with. Someone who sincerely wants to sing with me and enjoys doing so. It's not a full-time permanent job, just freelance singing. Only passionate individuals needed.

Whats worst

2007-08-05T05:27:00.000-07:00

Ive been floating from time to time. Its been so long and so much has happened i dunno where to begin this.

I keep losing things. Never remembering why i left or why they left and not knowing where to look or how to look. Im floating and its an unnerving feeling. I have neither a place to rest nor peace of mind. I have no permanent shelter over my head and it scares me sometimes. Other times it feels liberating but "other times" are not often.

We end years of misunderstanding, shaky pasts and hidden secrets in deafening silence. Both neither speaking nor listening anymore. I cant tell who finally won but that doesnt matter. She would always have the upper hand over me. So maybe shes been victorious all along. I have no one now just as i had no one in the beginning. Im solitary and thats fine.

I know you love me and care alot about me. I also know that you keep things from me and im not very relevant when it comes to details of your life. I vaguely know who you were and who you are. I feel like an idiot, a stranger looking in. Its ironic that we stand naked before each other and i dont even know you write songs. It hurts but im letting it past. You take good care of me and i should be thankful for that and just accept that im just a partner and nothing more.

I cant seem to trust people. Its like swallowing spoonfuls of mud, it just wont go down. Dont say i didnt try hard enough cause i took a huge gulp and regurgitate my insides. Your weird mood swings, quite moments and permanent fatique makes my head spin. Like i said, i dont know you and you wont dance with me. Marriage is more than a stones throw away. Even the idea sounds silly now. But regardless of every hurt, pain or teardrop i still love you and what is worst, i really do.

Interview Part 1

2007-04-08T07:20:00.000-07:00

I have not been up this early in a long time. The early morning sun was unfamiliar to me. Fat and lazy casting a dewy shadow on the concrete floor. I looked up and greeted. No respond so I continued walking down the routinely familiar path. Not having to report to work today was relieving. Like a glass of ice cold water and 13 stitches right after a boxing match. I was nervous though. After chancing upon a "too good to be true" opportunity in the Classifieds, i decided to risk wasting 2 more hrs of sleeping in just to go check it out. The train ride was fantastic. Surprisingly, not many lethal Nyonyas reside in the west area (I got myself a seat! Wooopheee!).

Destination reached, i sat patiently while Mr Andrew gives a brief explanation about the internship which is the diploma in marketing and the task as a cabin crew all accomplished in under 3 yrs. I loved that he slapped reality straight to our hungry and sleep-deprived faces. I was enticed by the diploma I was offered and the interesting role of a cabin crew. In short, this is a golden opportunity. Killing two birds with one bullet. Fantastic. Height and weight taking was brutal but i passed. After the hour or so presentation, we were advised to think thoroughly before submitting our application forms and resumes. Bonded to a company and a management institute at the same time for 3yrs is no joke. Bonded by $3000 does not make me laugh either. "We will give you a call before 8pm this evening if you make it to the 2nd interview. Thank you" I paused, smiled and before i could embarass myself by bowing to the petite and smiley stewardess i turned and sniffed out the nearest taxi rank.

635pm: "Hi! Congratulations! You've made it to the 2nd interview."
I could almost feel her wide grin as she sang to my melting ear drums. The journey to self-reclaim has just begun. In the name of God.

Try talking

2007-03-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

The mischevious sun was not well this morning. Weakly emitting soft rays from behind the comforts of fluffy grey clouds. He should have listened when the storm clouds tried to warn him. Poor sunny. My heart goes out to him but i do admit im enjoying the gloomy grey sky for a change from the merciless scorching weather in the afternoons. The chilly morning air made its presence known as i swing open the big wooden door a little too enthusiastically. Startled, i stepped back in and grabbed my grey pashmina and an umbrella just in case. All bundled up and sheltered, i made my way towards the train station.

Inhaling the clean minty air, I carefully recollected my thoughts from last night's frustrating events. To summarise the lengthy drama, i simply categorise it under Condemned girl=Angry girl. Have you ever wondered why we are taught and expected to do good on this god forsaken planet? From as raw as 1-2 years of age we are taught to be good baby boys/girls and shut the hell up so mummy can sleep till past 6am. In kindergarten we are given a glimpse of retribution when the boy in the other group didnt get his tea break for pulling Molly's pigtail. Primary school principals' forward letters of approval to the MOE for monthly "Do Good and Goodness Will Be Blessed Onto You"(or some crap like that) workshops. In Secondary School public canning sends a clear message throughout the dead silent assembly hall. If all this is suppose to benefit ones self and goodness is such a big fuck in our orderly society then where is the appreciation for the good that has been done? Why does the society brutally condemn the wrong but refuse to acknowledge the good that has been done? Ever screwed up big time and then spend a lifetime clearing up your mistakes and fighting for approval? Everytime you do good it goes unacknowledged and they say you could have done better but when you mess up they breathe down your neck and brutally slash you with their razor tongue.

Explain to me why i have to fight for your approval and please you at every turn. Show me a list of benefits i gain from perfectly performing to your unpredictable tune and dance routine. Entice me with prizes I can expect to win from spinning in your sure-win-but-not-so-sure lucky draw. When you do and you do it convincingly i will fight, dance and participate willingly for you. But make sure i end up victorious, graceful and a lucky bastard.

Brushing aside droplets of clear water from my hair, i wound the pashmina around my shoulders and step into the open glass door. Gazing out to the moist grass carpet i suddenly remembered the weird deal we both made last night.

Survive this

2007-03-23T02:33:00.000-07:00

The sun was tilting slightly to the right, playfully blurring my vision every now and then. Despite the temporary sight malfunction, i could still catch a painful glimpse of sweat-stained armpits dangling provocatively inches from my face. The odor i cant spell in words, it would be too ghastly. From my cramped spot near the glass door i could sense the impatience, smell the discomfort and feel the agony of my fellow commuters. Yet these same citizens go through the same 30-40minutes routine every single weekday knowingly. Some however managed to survive the daily ordeal. These Survivors owe thanks to their kiasu, inconsiderate and thick skin inner-self. A majority of these Survivors are the cunning Nyonya's. Even before they set foot in the train they have their faces literally pressed against the glass door of the cabin, refusing to give way to people coming out. They proceed to shove their way in, jamming their multi-coloured shopping bags into your hips to slow you down. After which they swiftly eye the nearest empty seat and throw the shopping bags onto the bright plastic seat. Victory is never sweeter as they ease their aged butt on the plastic seat and sigh dramatically. If you think im exaggerating my account of a train ride to work, i suggest you step into the train sumwhere along Orchard to Cityhall or Chinatown if you dare. Not a very pleasant surprise.